Laws and Rules

Well, it has been a while since I posted. Not a prolific blogger apparently...

In my planner (yes, I carry those, no "blackberry" for me) I have a list of Jonathon Edwards' resolutions. A Christian in the early 18th century, he would feel convicted of some negative thing he shouldn't be doing (sin, in effect) or something that he should do for his physical, mental or spiritual health and he wrote the right thing down as "resolutions" and "read them every week." While I'm not an expert on this Christian man, I keep his list in my planner as I am coming to a point of writing my own.

Here is his first:
"1. Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God's glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriad's of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever."

12. Resolved, if I take delight in it as a gratification of pride, or vanity, or on any such account, immediately to throw it by.

14. Resolved, never to do anything out of revenge."

I have been troubled this past week. Very troubled.

The "trouble" actually started 3-4 years ago when a new administrator came to my worksite.
Slowly but surely the positive atmosphere on the campus began to melt away. People were moved. People were asked to resign. Not too unusual for a new administration with a goal to keep the "business" going. But there was more.
People were lied to. People were manipulated. People were hired into jobs that seemed unnecessary. People were moved into jobs for which they were not trained. People were laid off. People started working doubles. And then we saw our residents start getting hurt more often, and for three years the death rate has increased.
People have called third party agencies (I know, because they have told me) and people have reported abuse. But they are saving Tallahassee money...and they remain.

This week, someone told an individual I know about the Administrator's favorite book. It is called "The 48 Laws of Power." Here's a few of these for contrast with the great theologian, Jonathon Edwards:

" Law 6
Court Attention at all Cost
Everything is judged by its appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in the crowd, then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the bland and timid masses.

Law 7
Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit
Use the wisdom, knowledge, and legwork of other people to further your own cause.

Law 12
Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim
One sincere and honest move will cover over dozens of dishonest ones.

Law 17
Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability
Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables: Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior that seems to have no consistency or purpose will keep them off-balance, and they will wear themselves out trying to explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and terrorize."

Can you even imagine how odd it is to be suddenly confronted with what you've known all along, that the man in charge is no Christian. He is a "bishop" in his "church" which some people refer to as a "cult." It uses other books than the Bible. I wonder what his elders would think of his "laws." What does his wife feel about living with such a man?

The absolute polar opposite to Jonathon Edwards, don't you think?

The difference overwhelms and has saddened me.

It put fear in me as I realized I am in spiritual warfare.

I do not mention his name here. For one of Edwards' resolutions is:

"16. Resolved, never to speak evil of anyone, so that it shall tend to his dishonor, more or less, upon no account except for some real good."

People know what he is doing so there is no other real good to come of me mentioning his name.

Good Christian people, pray for us...and particularly for the intellectually disabled people we care for at this facility.

Sick as stink!

I read the Bible every day. Some times it is just a line or two. Some days it is a whole chapter.

And I am alone in this endeavor. This is a morning ritual that I rather like. However, it has become more clear to me just how broken I am.

A pastor from my former church is leaving town. I was so upset that he was leaving, in spite of the fact that I had already left his church. The reason I had left my former church was to be nearer to church members so that I could build up relationships. Being 40 minutes away from my church members inhibited me from developing a close sense of personal trust or friendship.
As a widow, I needed fellowship.

I was so upset, though, that he was leaving the state. He was supposed to stay! In that way, in my mind, I could always go back to the church and hear him preach. (He's always dead honest and inspirational.)

When I found that I could not sleep at night, I began to wonder why I was obsessed with this young man leaving. One night, the answer came to me. This is what was going on in my head, "Why I am I so upset? This is normal. Pastors leave. Husbands leave. Daddies leave." WHAT?! What had I just said to myself? Daddies leave?!!! Well, yes, they do. My dad left when he and mom divorced and we never saw him for years....and were never financially supported by him either.

And so it hit me. My pastor who had led me to Christ had unknowingly become the father to a 312-lb baby girl! (Hello Papa!) He can go in peace. I understand now.

Every piece of my fractured life fell into place. The anxiety. The depression. The overeating.
The co-dependency. Its basis was in abandonment.

And so last night, with fear and trepidation, I went into Recovery.

Psalm 139: 15-16

From Psalm 139 (New International Version)
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

The Lord knows who we are and what we will be and do, as we are created. Right now, as I sit in 2008 at a Gateway computer in a rather messy office at home (with dishes soaking in the sink...I'll get to that), the Lord KNEW I'd be here, doing this! There's God in heaven, right now, and here I am---tap, tap, tapping away on a computer, pondering His Word.

For the sake of my relationship with Him, I am glad I am studying the Bible. (And yes, Lord, I'll get to the dishes right now.) May the good Lord never be dismayed at what I do.

Why am I blogging?

Hello! My name is Carolyn Elaine. I once received a bookmark that said the name Carolyn is a feminized name for Charles, which means "Strong." My middle name is Elaine. The definition of Elaine is "Light." I want to be a strong light spiritually. And I have a long, long way to go.

Very long. Very, very, very long. If "holy, holy, holy" means the Lord is holy, holier and holiest over all; then I am very, verily, veriest(?) far from being a strong light of faith. But I have begun this journey.

I think my journey began when I was born, actually! I don't know if my spiritual journey came before I was born, but I believe so. How much earlier though, is unknown to me. I don't know if I sat in heaven waiting to be born; but born I was.

My spiritual life, like anyones, changes over time. And mine began intensely 8 years ago and came to a point of decision making 4 years ago. I have decided to follow Jesus. "Jesus answered, "I am the way, the truth and the light; no one comes to father, except through me." (John 14:6)

And the journey began.