Sick as stink!

I read the Bible every day. Some times it is just a line or two. Some days it is a whole chapter.

And I am alone in this endeavor. This is a morning ritual that I rather like. However, it has become more clear to me just how broken I am.

A pastor from my former church is leaving town. I was so upset that he was leaving, in spite of the fact that I had already left his church. The reason I had left my former church was to be nearer to church members so that I could build up relationships. Being 40 minutes away from my church members inhibited me from developing a close sense of personal trust or friendship.
As a widow, I needed fellowship.

I was so upset, though, that he was leaving the state. He was supposed to stay! In that way, in my mind, I could always go back to the church and hear him preach. (He's always dead honest and inspirational.)

When I found that I could not sleep at night, I began to wonder why I was obsessed with this young man leaving. One night, the answer came to me. This is what was going on in my head, "Why I am I so upset? This is normal. Pastors leave. Husbands leave. Daddies leave." WHAT?! What had I just said to myself? Daddies leave?!!! Well, yes, they do. My dad left when he and mom divorced and we never saw him for years....and were never financially supported by him either.

And so it hit me. My pastor who had led me to Christ had unknowingly become the father to a 312-lb baby girl! (Hello Papa!) He can go in peace. I understand now.

Every piece of my fractured life fell into place. The anxiety. The depression. The overeating.
The co-dependency. Its basis was in abandonment.

And so last night, with fear and trepidation, I went into Recovery.